Go placidly amid the noise & waste, & remember what comfort there may be in
owning a piece thereof.
Avoid quiet and passive persons unless you are in need of sleep.
Rotate your tires.

Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself and heed well their advice
even though they be turkeys; know what to kiss and when.
Consider that two wrongs never make a right but that three do.
Whenever possible, put people on hold.

Be comforted that in the face of all aridity & disillusionment and despite
the changing fortunes of time, there is always a big fortune in computer
Remember the Pueblo.
Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle, and mutilate.
Know yourself. If you need help, call the FBI.

Exercise caution in your daily affairs, especially with those persons
closest to you. That lemon on your left, for instance.
Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most souls would scarcely get
your feet wet.
Fall not in love therefore; it will stick to your face.

Gracefully surrender the things of youth, birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan,
and let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
Hire people with hooks.
For a good time, call 606-4311, ask for Ken.

Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting enough
cheese, and reflect that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only
be worse in Milwaukee.
You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here, and whether
you can hear it or not, the universe is laughing behind your back.

Therefore make peace with your God whatever you conceive him to be: Hairy
Thunderer or Cosmic Muffin.
With all its hopes, dreams, promises, & urban renewal, the world continues
to deteriorate.
Give up.

By Tony Hendra Found in an old National Lampoon: Dated 1972

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